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Finding My Joy

The Holiday Season has begun! Thanksgiving is behind me and Christmas is 23 days away.

Before I met Jay I hated this time of year. I had nothing but bad memories of the holidays for as long as my mind could go back. Then when I met Jay, he was someone who loved this time of year and it was contagious. Over the past 13 almost 14 years I have come to love it too. It is now my favorite time of year.

But while I still love and look forward to it, I have had to work harder the past few years to find my joy.

~Three years ago at Christmas I was just home from the hospital after 10 days in ICU. I could barely walk with a walker and not at all without it. I still had the PIC line in and was on antibiotics. Our next door neighbor was taking Koti to the school bus in the mornings for me because I couldn't do it. I tried after being home 2 days thinking that Joshie's stroller would provide enough support but half way to the bus the pain was so bad I threw up in the street and had to sit on the flower box outside the store on our street. Another mom I knew was at the bus stop and her kid saw this and kept walking. Would have been nice, I mean it was Christmas time, if she had offered to let Koti walk with them the half of block to the bus. A senior citizen lady we didn't really know but who we had said hi to a few times as she walks past every day saw and offered to walk Koti for me even though it was back the way she came from. We didn't even put a tree up I was so sick and had no energy for it. And forget gifts. We were so damn broke from having just moved into our house and then me ending up so sick. The only reason the kids had anything was because Koti's school knew what was going on and gave the kids a gift basket each and Joshie won a drawing at our bank for a 4ft tall stocking that had some cool stuff in it.

~Last Christmas we had been without a car since just after Thanksgiving and we were still almost 2 months from being able to get a new one. I was really getting more and more depressed over not being able to get around and having to depend on friends for rides. In the area I live public transportation is spotty unless you are going to the malls or NYC. I kept worrying about what would happen if the kids got hurt or sick, I couldn't get them to a Dr if I couldn't get a ride. Going to the grocery store had to be when ever a friend was going and we used Peapod a lot even though it is a little bit pricier than going to the store. When Joshie did get sick panic set in but thanks to a sweet lady, Deb, who is the mom of one of Koti's friends from Girl Scouts who dropped everything to take us to the Dr it worked out and we have since become friends. Then there was Koti's activities. My friend Laura came and got us and took us to Koti's school one night then came back and got us and drove us home so Koti could still be in the school's Holiday Concert even though her child was not in it. We thought ahead and planned early so gifts were not a problem since I did most of my shopping on line. It got so that the UPS man joked he should just move in with us he was here so often :)

~Now this year...as my friends and regular blog readers know, we have been having so much trouble with Ryan. Sadly it is not getting any better. This is the first year Joshie is really aware of Christmas being a big deal. He is so excited and loving everything about it. Koti always has ever since she was about 3 and became aware of it being different than the rest of year. I want them both to always have happy memories of the holidays and not dread it like I did and my mother before me. So I am trying to bathe in their love and wonder. In it I am finding my joy. We went to our towns tree lighting and Santa came on a firetruck to light the tree and Joshie went nuts!! Koti was so happy to be singing with the other Girl Scouts at the lighting she was glowing. She is again doing the school Holiday Concert and having a blast. We put up our tree and the TV specials have begun. My worry and sadness over Ryan still nibble at me all the time so I have to work at it but it is happening. I am finding my joy in the small moments. I just have to work at seeing them and grabbing on.

A Milestone of Sorts

Today starts a 2 day celebration of Joshie's 4th Birthday. Tomorrow is the big day.

Today he gets to bring in cupcakes as well as goodie bags all in a Buzz Lightyear theme to share with the other kids in his pre-school class. Then when he gets home Jay (who took today off) Joshie and I will go to Koti's school and pick her up early. We are making our way to New Brunswick to the State Theater to take Joshie to his very first concert. He has no idea and I cant wait to see his face when we sit down and the curtain goes up and on the stage are his favorite "rock stars" (his words, he calls them rock stars) The Imagination Movers

I have had these tickets for almost 2 months and have managed to keep it from him. I want that moment of pure mommy joy when it clicks in his head what is happening and it is written there on his sweet face. As you know things have been rough with Ryan and it has been painful and draining so it is moments like this that recharge and remind that being a mom also has rewards.

Watch this place for a report on how it went and hopefully for a picture of his face at the exact moment he sees Smitty, Dave, Scott & Rich step out on stage.

I have become MacGyver

Has anything like this ever happened to you?

Yesterday I was going to bake a cake for Koti & Joshie's playdate with birthday cake (aka not a party party). I hunted around trying to find something I could put on the cake for each of them. A candle or topper of some sort. I finally got the local bakery to sell me the topper even though I didn't want to buy a cake. Ouch it was pricey but I was hero to Joshie because I got him Lightening McQueen & Mater cars.

So back to yesterday. I was putting the extra foil baking pan on the top of my stove and it had the writing gel and the pack of cars in it. While getting the other pan ready I must have bumped the stove because the pan and the cars & gel fell behind the stove!!!

I didn't know what to do but I was not going to go buy more cars...So I remembered a Myth Busters episode recently testing the wonders of Duct Tape....I got a swiffer broom handle, wrapped the end in Duct Tape and climbed on my counter and used this pole to stab around behind the stove to try and fish out the cars...

I was able to, finally and this is the cake that is the product of my misadventure:

Wow Has it been that long?

It has been WAY to long since I have posted. What's going on with me? Well the Ryan drama continues but I will spare you that for now...I thought I would share some updates on my weight loss journey. I am now at 97.2lbs lost. It is freakish to me that in 2.8lbs I will have lost 100lbs. But even more freakish is that I am still over 50lbs from being done and switching to a maintenance phase. I was 280.8lbs when I started.

So here is some of what I have noticed lately that make me finally "see" the change in me:

~I went to deliver an Avon order to a friend, Gina, whom I hadn't seen since starting Weight Watchers. When I knocked on her door and she looked out her window she didn't recognize me. I have been getting that a lot. A parent at Koti's school who lives down the street but who I don't see often didn't recognize me today at first and it took her a few minutes to figure out who the lady saying hi to her was. It feels good to hear that I look better and all but the unrecognizable part is odd. It is like but how bad did I look before? I know really bad since it was a picture of me that set me on this trek.

~I have had to move the seat in the car closer and lower the steering wheel. I was too far from it.

~I have become more comfortable with food. I am able to eat all of the allowed amounts (points) without guilt. I am not tempted by the stuff I shouldn't be eating and am really able to enjoy eating. The difference now is that I eat to live not live to eat. (I got that from wonderful WW leader Suzanne). She also loves to tell us that food should be pleasing and enjoyable. I am learning that that is true.

~And for me the biggest "proof" (other than the scale) is the change in clothes. I no longer have to shop in the plus size department. Ok, yes I am at the top of the sizes in the regular department but it is a huge thing for me that I am shopping in this new to me department. I have a new love of clothes and shoes!!!

Books Read 2009 again

I have seen some friends do this and I think I am going to now too. I hope to read at least 52 books this year. Here is where I will list them as I do. I am using different colors for the titles depending on what I thought of the book. I may at some point come back and write a full review but don't count on it since I review some of them over at Good Reads

Color Key:

purple loved it

red hated it

blue liked a lot

green was ok but wouldnt read again

The first bunch are not in the order I read them but after these I will add as I read so after #15 they will be in order read:
1) Summer ~Karen Kingsbury
2) Someday ~Karen Kingsbury
3) Sunset ~Karen Kingsbury

4) Pride & Prejudice (for the first time, it took 3 tries) ~Jane Austen
5) Northanger Abby (for the first time) ~Jane Austen
6) Anne of Green Gables (for the 6th time) ~L.M Montgomery
7) Twilight (for the 2nd time as hubby read it for the first) ~Stephanie Meyer
8) New Moon (for the 2nd time as hubby read it for the first) ~Stephanie Meyer
9) Eclipse (for the 2nd time as hubby read it for the first) ~Stephanie Meyer
10) Breaking Dawn (for the 2nd time as hubby read it for the first) ~Stephanie Meyer
11) Harry, A History: The True Story of a Boy Wizard, His Fans, and Life Inside the Harry Potter Phenomenon ~Melissa Anelli
12) Love Walked In ~Marisa de los Santos
13) Belong to Me ~Marisa de los Santos
14) UR (a short story) ~Stephen King
15) sTORI Telling ~Tori Spelling
16) Oracle Quest ~Lisa Wright DeGroodt
17) Anne of Avonlea (for the 6th time) ~L.M Montgomery
18) Looking For Alaska ~John Green
19) The Jubilee Express (first story in the Let It Snow book) ~Maureen Johnson
20) Suite Scarlett ~Maureen Johnson
21) A Cheertastic Christmas Miracle (2nd story in the Let It Snow book) ~John Green
22) 13 Little Blue Envelopes ~Maureen Johnson
23) Girl at Sea ~Maureen Johnson

24) Relic Quest ~Lisa Wright DeGroodt

25) The Bermudez Triangle ~Maureen Johnson

26) Keeping You A Secret ~Julie Anne Peters

27) Arthas:Wrath of the Lich King ~Christie Golden

28) Of Blood and Honor ~Chris Metzen

29) Uglies ~Scott Westerfeld

30) Pretties ~Scott Westerfeld

31) Specials ~Scott Westerfeld

33) Warrcraft: Day of the Dragon ~Richard A. Knaak

34) The Magicians ~Lev Grossman

35) Lord of the Clans ~Christie Golden

36) The Lovely Bones ~ Alice Sebold

37) The Hunger Games ~Suzanne Collins

38) Catching Fire ~Suzanne Collins

39) Bloodsucking Fiends a love story ~Christopher Moore

40) You Suck a love story ~Christopher Moore

41) The Last Guardian ~Jeff Grubb

42) Her Wiccan, Wiccan Ways (Rhiannon Godfrey) ~Traci Hall

43) Barrier Quest ~Lisa Wright DeGroodt

44) The Christmas Bus ~Melody Carlson

45) Paper Towns ~John Green

46) Liar ~Justine Larbalestier

47) Extras ~Scott Westerfeld

48) Peeps ~Scott Westerfeld

49) Define Normal ~Julie Anne Peters

50) The Last Days ~Scott Westerfeld

51) Magic or Madness ~Justine Larbalestier

52) Magic Lessons ~Justine Larbalestier

53) Magic's Child ~Justine Larbalestier

54) The Princess Bride ~William Goldman

55) The Gift ~Cecelia Ahern

56) The Last Song ~Nicolas Sparks

57) Luna ~Jule Anne Peters

The Magicians by Lev Grossman pt 2

I am so bothered that it took me so long to get to this post. I never take this long to read a book, especially when it is a book I am so very much enjoying. Sadly I let time get away from me doing something else and well while I cant go back and fix it, I have solved the problem for now and will blog on it later. I finished this book yesterday and I am still taking it all on but wanted to share my thoughts and feelings while they were fresh, so I can not promise that there wont be a part 3.

*SPOILER ALERT*

if you have not read the book you are officially warned that I am going to mention things that will spoil you. I wont be offended if you choose to leave now and come back at a later date.

I read my friend Daniel's review of the book just before I started (it is here if you want the take of a very smart young man) and I have a different view on it then he though I do think he makes some interesting and very good points. I didn't feel like I was reading a novel with a plot of first A happens which leads to B and so on all neatly tied up at the end or in some cases left in such a way that you know a sequel is coming. However if you read this book expecting that then you might be left feeling as Daniel did at the end. Also, as a lover of the Harry Potter series I could not help but notice that there are many nods to it here. But the school that Quintin goes to is more American college that English wizarding school. Yes they learn magic but it is not in the same way Harry and crew learn it.

I felt like I was getting a look into the life of a young man who could not quite grasp life and was floundering his way along. Sometimes he felt like he was just about there, to the place where he could be happy even though life was not perfect but then he would be reminded that nope, he was still in the same crappy place he has always felt himself to be. It was not a pretty picture. At times Q's life was ugly, hard, cold, painful. Many times caused by his own thoughts and actions. He kept looking for HAPPY and PEACE to find him. There are time he has what he needs in his hands and we get to watch him blow it. He is in every way, real, human, imperfect.

I was profoundly moved by the core group of characters and their flaws and short comings. For me it was clear from chapter one (which I blogged about before) that this was not going to be a neat, clean, happily ever after fairy tale. It was gritty and messy, like life. There are moments that are cringe worthy for sure. Quintin cheating on Alice for example. You know, as does Q that it is a HUGE mistake, but as often happens, we know something to be the most wrong thing on earth and just cant stop ourselves from doing it anyway.

Quintin and crew find a way to Fillory, the setting of his favorite novels. He thinks that the happy life he has been waiting for but which has never come to him will be waiting for him there. The others have their own ideas of what they hope to get out of the place, mostly adventure and glory. It turns out to be anything but.

By the end, so numbed by Alice's death and everything else he experienced in Fillory Quintin finds himself alone. He thinks he wants that, as it is easier than letting people in and feeling things. Being open has given him only pain and feeling nothing is better than hurting isn't it? And here is the lesson he has learned, and the message I am guessing Mr. Grossman was trying to share. The answer is no. Life is messy and hard and ugly yes. But it is also filled with love, and happy times. With joy and success. These things are not out there somewhere in some far off fantasy land. They are here. And we need to see them right next to the pain, the failures, the trials and struggles. No one is going to just wave a magic wand or wag a magic finger and make us feel whole and happy. It is not given but worked for. We are not owed it but it is there for us. The real question is can we see it in the everyday and take it and hold it. Quentin learns this at the end. That he can feel and live and fail and fly...And he does...with those who are flawed like him but love him anyway...

Maybe this spoke to me because it is what I have been trying to figure out since I have peeled away the stuff I was hiding under all the weight I was carrying. I will struggle and make mistakes and hurt and be hurt. I will fail, I will fall, I will screw up royally. But if I let myself I will also be happy and I can fly...Yep, at the same time. Because life is what it is. In the words of a wonderful children's singer, Laurie Berkener, I'm a mess, I'm a mess, I am big old messy mess...

But it is living and that is the wonder of it all!!!